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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25220347">Picking Out Patterns</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/greekowl87/pseuds/greekowl87'>greekowl87</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The X-Files</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Fluff, Pre IWTB, Smut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:28:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,010</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25220347</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/greekowl87/pseuds/greekowl87</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Was she as much to blame for the predicament they had suffered along with his never-ending quest for Truth? She blamed herself for where they were. Scully tried to push the thoughts out of her mind as she tried to focus on the outside noises in order to fall asleep. But sleep would remain elusive."</p>
<p>Mulder and Scully try to get used to the unremarkable house after being on the run for two years.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Fox Mulder/Dana Scully</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Picking Out Patterns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It was meant to be a short fic but over the past couple of weeks, it took on a life of its own. Pre IWTB. Angst and stuff. And some smut. Sorry for all the typos; no beta. Enjoy :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The summer night air was sticky with humidity. Scully laid on her side, watching the open window in inky blackness. The unremarkable house’s air condition still needed to be fixed, so until then, it was fans and open windows. The large box fan near the window hummed as she pushed the sheet covering her to her waist. She was sweating without even trying. The idea of taking a cold shower was appealing but she didn’t want to wake Mulder. Instead, she would try to sleep, despite how uncomfortable the summer night was.</p>
<p>With a new resolve, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. The sounds of their new home were something she was still growing used to. Two years on the run with Mulder and she had come accustomed to noisy streets, sirens, shouting, and the odd couple in the next room riding the bed. The quietness was something that was going to take getting used to. If she really focused, she could hear the orchestra of tree frogs outside, the hooting of a lone owl, and humming of crickets. She also heard Mulder’s even breathing. She sat up and rolled over to check on him and feel some relief. He was on his back, the sheet covering them also bunched around his waist. She watched his bare chest rise up and down rhythmically with sleep.</p>
<p>It was good to see that their new home was doing him good as well. Maybe it would bring some sense of peace or grounding. Too long had he known instability. She remembered after he had come back from the dead how she wished they could settle down and start a family after William was born. But no. She had urged him it was safer to leave than risk being with her and their son. Was she as much to blame for the predicament they had suffered along with his never-ending quest for Truth? She blamed herself for where they were. Scully tried to push the thoughts out of her mind as she tried to focus on the outside noises in order to fall asleep. But sleep would remain elusive.</p>
<p>She heard Mulder moving in the bed next to her. It wasn’t the normal shifting in bed but more frantic struggles that came with nightmares. Not again, she thought. Scully sat up quickly and placed her hand on his bare shoulder. “Mulder,” she whispered. She shook his shoulder gently. “Mulder, wake up, you’re having a nightmare.”</p>
<p>He sat up suddenly, like a jack-in-a-box, startling her. He looked around in alarm as Scully turned on the lamp next to their bed. “Scully!” He called her name in a whisper as if he couldn’t see her still. “Scully…”</p>
<p>“I’m right here. We’re safe,” she whispered, trying to get him to look at her. “Mulder, you had another nightmare again.”</p>
<p>He looked around, his shaggy hair swishing side to side. “We’re safe?”  </p>
<p>She nodded and caressed his cheek. “Do you remember? We have a home now. We aren’t on the run anymore.”</p>
<p>They both hated nights like these. They had just recently purchased the house in Farrs Corner after spending nearly two years on the run. It wasn’t just Scully who was having trouble adjusting to this new lifestyle. Scully was cautiously looking for employment in medicine in order to give their cover some sort of normalcy but had yet to find anything. So, they stayed home together, just trying to adjust to this new normal. </p>
<p>“We aren’t.” He repeated it like a mantra rather than a question. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. He seemed to come back to his senses. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>He shook his head, unable to form words. Somewhere in the distance, thunder rumbled signaling the start of a summer thunderstorm. “I’m going to go downstairs for a bit. I don’t want to keep you up.” He placed a sloppy kiss on her cheek before jumping out of bed. “Go back to sleep.”</p>
<p>She looked confused at what he had just said. Unable to formulate an answer, she watched him retreat from their bedroom. What had just happened?  Her brain was still trying to process it. “Mul--” Her voice fell silent.</p>
<p>The nightmares were not anything new for either of them. Scully had them as she tried to deal with her abduction, they appeared again after she chose to give up their son in order to protect him. For Mulder, his nightmares never truly went away. She remembered the nights she would spend with him after he returned. When they reclaimed each other in the Quantico brig and went on the run from the federal government, she found out the extent of his own nightmares that had plagued him since he had left her in Georgetown. And then Scully’s own nightmares returned with fervor. </p>
<p>They acknowledged each other’s demons and nightmares but they would not discuss it. That was their unspoken agreement.</p>
<p>But Scully was tired of that agreement. She thought that since they weren’t on the run anymore, that their nightmares would dissipate. Maybe they could find something of their old groove that existed when their physical relationship evolved and the brief month they embraced the idea of having a family together. She sat back against the mountain of pillows and the oak headboard. She could stay here, let him mope, and fall back into his old patterns or do something about it. She had lost him once before and once was already too many times to count.</p>
<p>Scully got out of bed, the wood floor, cool to the touch. She reached for an old National’s sweatshirt her mother had gifted Mulder last year for his birthday. The shirt smelled of him and she hugged herself as a reminder of better times. What constituted better times now?</p>
<p>She walked down the stairs silently, carefully avoiding the squeaky stair towards the bottom. He had already claimed the couch they had bought at a small furniture store and turned on the TV to a late-night ‘Twilight Zone’ marathon. She remembered when they got the couch. It was after they visited a farmer’s market out by Aldine. She had urged him to turn off so they could see it. For fun, she told him. They needed to purchase the other half of missing furniture that her mom had failed to save when they went on the run. Scully remembered specifically when they had found the couch. He had jumped on it, extending his long body as he used to when he would sleep on the leather couch in his old Alexandria apartment. This is perfect, he had declared that day in Ikea.</p>
<p>Maybe he had insisted on that couch for that same reason. Scully stood by the staircase and watched as he returned to his similar routine. The only light came from the light on top of their stove. It cast the room in an eerie green glow, reminding of the movie ‘The Matrix.’ He picked up the tv remote and flipped it to a ‘Twilight Zone’ episode (how on Earth did he know what channel to turn it to?) and settle down on the couch. For a second he sat before he took the extra pillow and put it behind his head, lounging his long body awkwardly.</p>
<p>She stood there for a few moments longer. He lowered the volume and dropped the tv remote on their coffee table. The blue glow from the television became a welcome gateway to his past. Scully did not want him falling down that rabbit hole again. “Mulder,” she called softly.</p>
<p>“I’m okay, Scully. Go back to bed.”</p>
<p>He made no effort to face her or acknowledge her presence other than speaking to her. Mulder still refused to face her. Somewhere in the distance, she heard the low rumble of thunder and the beginnings of a summer storm. The downstairs was just as muggy with all the windows open. After a moment's thought, she silently closed all the downstairs windows that weren’t sheltered by their porch. She jogged upstairs and did the same. Closing the windows made their house even more suffocating in the July heat. “Shit, Scully, leave the windows open.”</p>
<p>“There’s a storm coming,” she replied from top of the staircase. She made her way back down. “I don't want our house getting wet.”</p>
<p>“Well, it’s even hotter now.”</p>
<p>She continued to watch him from a distance. “Well, what do you want me to do, Mulder?”</p>
<p>“Stop staring at me for starters.”</p>
<p>“Then acknowledge me instead of running away.” Bitter memories of her own mistake plagued her; she should have never urged him to go into hiding. Things might be normal. They would still have William. “Mulder?”</p>
<p>“I’m not running away.” He turned up the volume on the television to tune her out. “Go back to bed.”</p>
<p>She ran a hand through her long, red hair. She was frustrated, tired, hot, and in no mood to argue. In a few quick strides, she stood in front of the television with her arms crossed. Mulder frowned and tried to look around her. “You’re blocking the view.”</p>
<p>“There used to be a time when you would say I was the view.”</p>
<p>He physically winced. “Well played.” She reached for the remote and turned the tv off angrily. Mulder sighed and sat back up on the couch. “I was watching it.”</p>
<p>“Were you or were you using it as an excuse to tune me out?”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t aware we were having a conversation,” he replied flippantly.</p>
<p>Scully bristled. She could take his barbs in stride; she was used to dealing with a pissy Mulder who didn’t get his way. The last few months on the run had become this...verbal war between them and each word became a lob of artillery across their relationship of no man’s land. But his reluctance to even communicate with her fume even more at this moment and deep down, she didn’t know why. “You woke up from a nightmare. What do you expect me to do, Mulder? Not care? Not do anything? Not love you?”</p>
<p>He shrugged. Another rumble of thunder sounded closer. Scully looked out the window as a stray lightning bolt lit up the night; she half expected a cryptid out there watching them. “I don’t know.” He paused. “The storm sounds close.”</p>
<p>“They were calling for rain tonight.”</p>
<p>There was a ping on the metal roof of their porch. Then a second. Then a third. Then a steady stream of pings and dings from rain hitting their roof. “So they were,” Mulder acknowledged. “Scully, save your energy and go back to bed. No use in both of us losing sleep.”</p>
<p>“Mulder, I’m up because I care about you.”</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t.”</p>
<p>“I do! Has the fact that I’ve been on the run with you for the past two years mean nothing? The fact I’m still here and want to build a life with you? We have a house. We have furniture. We, Mulder,” she stressed the pronoun. “Not yours. Not mine. Ours.”</p>
<p>He sighed and sat up.  “But I don’t want to bring you down.”</p>
<p>“Mulder, I lied to congress for you for starters. I will kill anyone who would dare touch you. What else do I need to do to prove myself to you after eleven years?”</p>
<p>“Nothing.” </p>
<p>Another clap of thunder made their house shake and then darkness. “Shit!” Scully snapped.</p>
<p>“I got it, Scully.” She heard him stumble around, a beam of a flashlight, and then he was digging through their pantry. Mulder produced an additional flashlight and an oil lamp. “It was left with the house,” he offered uselessly. “It still works. When you found the house, you really meant out in the middle of nowhere.”</p>
<p>Scully shrugged as he lit the oil lamp and brought it into the living room, sitting it on the coffee table next to the TV remote he was just using a second ago. Scully watched him stare at the dancing flame then meet her eyes. “I just don’t want you to feel more guilty than you already do, Scully,” he whispered. “I know you do.”</p>
<p>“I could say the same. Mulder, you aren’t a burden.” The summer thunderstorm continued to rage outside. After a moment’s thought, he got up, took her hand, and led her outside to their covered porch. “The lamp…”</p>
<p>“It’s fine.” The screen door shut behind them and Scully stopped in her steps as he came behind her. Mulder pressed himself against her back and whispered, “Come sit with me.”</p>
<p>When they bought the house, the porch had a rusted chair swing and two, somewhat new if not sturdy adirondack chairs with a small table that sat between them. Mulder led her to the chairs. He sat down, sighing briefly before he tugged gently on her hand. “Mulder, no.” </p>
<p>“Who’s going to see you? Come here, Scully.”</p>
<p>She huffed, pretending to be annoyed, as he pulled her into his lap. But this was the first time in weeks he had made a physical advance towards her. In the darkness, save from the little light from the oil lamp inside, she allowed herself to relax as his arm came around her waist. She rested her head against his shoulder, despite her own initial reservations. “We need to get the air condition fixed tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“I’ll call them first thing.” She closed her eyes as his hand snaked up under the sweatshirt she was wearing and gently began to rub her back. Goosebumps erupted as he caressed her bare skin. “This would be easier without this on.”</p>
<p>“I know,” she murmured. </p>
<p>Her eyes were closed as she enjoyed this moment. “I don’t want to burden you because I love you,” he whispered into her ear.</p>
<p>“You have nightmares almost daily,” she whispered back. She opened her eyes and kissed the curve of his neck. “I hear you wake up and it breaks my heart that I can’t help you. You hide from me or won’t let me in.”</p>
<p>“You hear me, huh?” She hummed in acknowledgment. He sighed and kissed her. “Did you have nightmares after your abduction?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” she whispered without hesitation. Mulder could remember a time she would never admit or discuss her vulnerabilities. “I also had them after you were abducted, before you came back, and when you were gone.”</p>
<p>Mulder admired her quiet strength of which he tried to draw from daily. “My nightmares started with the abduction. When I came back, I felt left behind.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t…”</p>
<p>“It wasn’t you.” He was quick to his defense. “At first maybe, but never you. Please know that. I never blamed you. I just was so unsure of everything. When you had the IVF treatments, do you know I used to daydream about you telling me I was going to be a father? Lamaze classes, the nursery…” His voice faltered. “And for 72 hours, it was good.”</p>
<p>“It was my fault.”</p>
<p>Scully had her eyes closed as the memories played in her head like a broken type; it kept repeating the same scenes over and over again. She felt Mulder’s fingers dig into her skin lightly, massaging her. “Relax, Scully. What’s done is done.”</p>
<p>“It’s my fault. All this is my fault,” she confessed. She choked on her own words and suddenly tried to pull away. Mulder’s other arm had coiled around her waist. “Mulder, I’m not okay. We’re not okay.”</p>
<p>“No.” He agreed after a long moment. “We aren’t, are we?”</p>
<p>Lightning lit up the sky and the rain grew heavy. It sounded like God was dumping everything on them. How fitting. The few pings on the metal roof of their porch sounded like someone was dropping a bucket of gravel on top of them. The air suddenly seemed cooler and the summer humidity vanished. She shivered slightly, unused to the sudden change in the weather. Mulder brought her legs up so she sat comfortably in his lap. “I should go inside,” she whispered to him.</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“I thought you wanted to be left alone.”</p>
<p>“I find the company rather pleasant.” Sitting in the darkness with him, Scully wished she could see his face. She saw his faint outline from the light the oil lamp was casting from the window. “What? What’s wrong?”</p>
<p>“Nothing,” she whispered. She pushed an errant piece of hair behind her ear and rested her head against his shoulder. “Just thinking.” He hummed and watched out into the darkness. Lightning lit up their property followed by another loud clap of thunder that shook their house. “The angels must be one hell of a time bowling,” she whispered above the din of rain.</p>
<p>“Angels bowling?”</p>
<p>“That is what mom used to tell us when we were kids. I have this memory of when I was four and there was a really bad thunderstorm. I woke up and the power was out. Missy was at a sleepover. Bill…” She chuckled. “Well, he was a big nope. Charlie was still a baby. Dad was out to sea so I crawled into my mother’s bed. She told me every time there is thunder, the angels are bowling and getting strikes.”</p>
<p>“Must be a lot,” he whispered.</p>
<p>She hummed. “How come we can’t talk like we used to?” She asked him. “Why can’t we find our way out of the darkness?”</p>
<p>“Maybe we just need a little light on the subject.” After a moment’s thought, he pushed her onto her feet and got up behind her. “You left the windows down here open?”</p>
<p>“Just the ones covered by the porch,” she replied. “Why? Pushing me away again.” After a moment, she whispered, “Sorry.”</p>
<p>“No,” he said, “but I want to see your face.”</p>
<p>Scully was clearly confused as he led her back inside, safe from the storm raging outside.  Even with the windows open, she could still hear it. But the room was slightly cooler as the storm took away the summer heat. Mulder went back to the couch, leaned forward, and adjusted the light on the oil lamp so the room became brighter. Scully stood in her spot as he held out his hand. “I’m not going to bite, Scully.”</p>
<p>Taking his gesture as an olive branch, she grasped his hand and sat next to him on the couch. “We did pick out a nice couch,” she whispered softly.</p>
<p>“We did but I don’t want to go to Ikea ever again. The bookcase for the bedroom was a nightmare to put together. Why don’t we go to that farmer’s market next weekend and see what they have? I doubt anyone will care to look for a fugitive there.”</p>
<p>We. She nodded slowly, unsure of where the conversation was heading. “I would like that.”</p>
<p>“Good.” He paused for a beat. “I can’t undo the past. Neither can you.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t let you go,” she whispered, “if I could do it all over again. I wouldn’t let you leave. We are weaker when we are apart.”</p>
<p>“And stronger together.” He licked his lips. “There is a lot of things that I would like a do-over with, Scully. I should have never gone to Oregon. That way, I wouldn’t have been abducted and I could have been there when you learned you were pregnant. There’s a lot of things we could have and should do. But something you taught me, we have now.”</p>
<p>“What are you trying to say, Mulder?”</p>
<p>“You want to talk? Know what my nightmares are about? Then let’s talk.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” she whispered, unsure where this conversation was going.</p>
<p>“Okay? Just okay?”</p>
<p>“What do you want me to say?”</p>
<p>“I’m not sure.” </p>
<p>“The nightmares don’t change,” he said after another long moment. “I have the same ones that plagued me when I returned from my abduction. I regret the choices I made when leaving you and William.”</p>
<p>“The blame is just as much as mine.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t planning on coming back,” Mulder told her. “The fact I got caught is the only reason you saw me again.”</p>
<p>“Fate.”</p>
<p>“I guess.” He leaned back and threw his arm on the back of the couch. “I don’t know, Scully. But I wish you didn’t have to go on the run with me. You would’ve been safer with your mother.”</p>
<p>“Mulder, I can’t live alone. Not without you. I thought I made that clear. Where you go, I go. What you do, I do. There is no me and you. There hasn’t been for a long time. It’s us. There’s only us.” She waved her arm around the darkened room. “We have a future now. I know it isn’t ideal or how we wanted but we have a home, Mulder. The fact that you are wanted by the FBI means nothing. I want us to have a life together, Mulder.”</p>
<p>He rubbed his chin and asked, “How much of that will change when you finally find a job at a hospital. Will you talk about me? About us? Or will you keep me a secret?”</p>
<p>“What are you talking about?”</p>
<p>“You can’t exactly take me out.”</p>
<p>The rain continued in its intensity. Scully rested her head on her arm. “So? Does that really mean so much to you, Mulder?”</p>
<p>“I just...you know how you stress ‘us’ and ‘we,’ Scully? Well, it feels like I would be left behind. I don’t want to be left behind again.”</p>
<p>She felt her heartstrings pull. “I’m not. As far as everyone knows, I’m taken.”</p>
<p>“Except Bill Jr. He refuses to acknowledge me.”</p>
<p>“Bill’s an ass.”</p>
<p>He smiled slightly. “But what’s stopping you?”</p>
<p>“I love you. Isn’t that enough?”</p>
<p>He nodded. “I’m just as insecure as you are, Scully.”</p>
<p>“Are we that broken?”</p>
<p>“I feel like I’m playing poker with you,” Mulder said. He rubbed his chin in thought. “Like we used to in the beginning of our partnership. You would let me see glimpses of who you were but never the full picture. When our relationship evolved, it got a little better.” Scully frowned as he continued. “But when you were pregnant with William when I came back...I felt like I didn’t belong. It felt like the whole world had moved on without me. You were just humoring me to make me feel better.”</p>
<p>She closed her eyes, a familiar pain welling up in her chest. William was also one of the other unspoken agreements they had. “I wasn’t humoring you, Mulder. I wanted you to be in his life, in my life. You are still his father.”</p>
<p>“Even though you sent him away,” he whispered. </p>
<p>His voice carried no accusations; he was merely stating a fact. But it still didn’t stop it from hurting any less. “I didn’t know what else to do, Mulder. I was failing our son. I couldn't keep him safe. I had let him getting kidnapped by a UFO cult. I had a moment where I truly thought William had passed. I saw this giant explosion and I feared the worst. But as I rushed to the site and there he was, Mulder. Wrapped in his blue blanket and crying up a storm, but he was untouched. Not even a scratch.” She stared at the flame of the oil lamp, lost in memories. “It just added to my fears. I thought I was crazy but more than once I thought I caught him moving things with his mind. Then he sent the alien artifact across the room...the same one that caused you condition…” She choked back a sob that came from deep within her. “I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t keep him safe. Maybe if I hadn’t pushed you away too, we would be in a better place today. So if you’re looking for someone to blame, look no further.”</p>
<p>Mulder was dumbstruck by her confession. She looked away and saw tear glimmer in her blue eyes. She shook her head and brought a hand to her mouth.</p>
<p>“Excuse me.”</p>
<p>He watched her rush back outside to underneath their porch. Her silent cries were drowned by the raging storm. He threw his head back in frustration. “Shit,” he murmured.</p>
<p>Out of the corner of his eye, he spied a series of photographs Mrs. Scully had put up over their fireplace when they moved into their new home. He could make out some of the images in the dim light. One of his favorites was taken by her mother shortly when they bought the place. He had spun her in his arms. He remembered how her long hair twirled with him. He had brought her into a kiss. Mrs. Scully had captured them right before that as both their foreheads pressed together and he felt nothing but love for Scully.</p>
<p>That’s all he had for her, nothing but love. So why was he out here hurting her instead of loving her? Hell, what was their relationship anymore?</p>
<p>He got up, carrying the oil lamp with him. He pushed open the screen door and it slammed behind him. Carefully, he set the lamp on the table between the two chairs he was sitting on earlier. She wiped her tears away hurriedly. “I’m okay, Mulder.”</p>
<p>“Are you though?”</p>
<p>She shrugged and he took a moment to take her profile dancing in the firelight. “You look beautiful,” he whispered.</p>
<p>She crossed her arms and laughed half-heartedly. “I’m sure.”</p>
<p>“I mean it, Scully.”</p>
<p>She took a deep breath and sighed, turning her head to look at him. His five o’clock shadow was pronounced in the low light and he still chose to run around without a shirt and wear nothing but his sleeping pants (she wasn’t complaining). He sat back down in the chair and held her gaze. She turned away. While they were on the run, sex between them had taken on many different meanings. Some days it was a band-aid, others, a fix like a drug. There were special moments too but those seemed few and far between. “I’m sure you do.”</p>
<p>He rubbed his face and hunched over, resting his elbows on his legs and burying his face in his hands. “What do you want me to do? What can I do to make this right?”</p>
<p>She shook her head, refusing to answer him. “I used to think, once upon a time, we could have a happy life. That we would get our happy ending. But now, I’m not so sure.” She laughed awkwardly and whispered, “I’m going in and back to bed. Goodnight, Mulder.”</p>
<p>She disappeared like a ghost in the night. Mulder was reminded bitterly of the earlier years of their partnership when they always seemed to be on the cusp of something greater. Then that night they made that next step. And for a bit, everything seemed perfect. Then his abduction. Pregnancy. Chaos. Anger. Being on the run. An entire cluster fuck.</p>
<p>He was always surprised each morning that she still woke up next to him. And also thankful. Oh so thankful.</p>
<p>Mulder walked to the edge of the porch and leaned against a post, listening to the storm. He could feel the peeling paint against his shoulder. He straightened his stance and ran his fingertips over the chipped, yellowing paint and tried to think what she wanted. What they wanted. He remembered having that dream too. A happy handing that included her and William. But William…</p>
<p>She did the right thing, he decided. He couldn’t change the past but he could still do something about the future. Their future. His mind played with the idea of painting the porch with her and going to the home improvement store with her and picking paint colors. Their trip to Ikea had been an experience. While they did bicker, he found their new turn to the domestic refreshing and he loved it.</p>
<p>The unremarkable house could be something special. They could make it a home. He looked out to the darkness and the lightning lit it up followed by a clamp of thunder. It sounded more distant. He turned slightly and could see the stairs on his mind. He imagined Scully climbing back up the stairs, carefully avoiding the squeaky ones, going back to their bed, unable to sleep. She would be crying perhaps but definitely hurting from their exchange. Something he had caused. And maybe something he could fix it.</p>
<p>He picked up the oil lamp again and went back inside, shutting it behind him. He blew out the oil lamp, and in the dark, carefully navigated back up stairs. He saw candlelit coming from their bedroom. As he stood in the doorway, Scully was sitting up, looking through something. “I brought the candles from the bathroom,” she answered before he could ask.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?”</p>
<p>He paused short before the door frame and she closed it. “Something silly.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Home decor magazine,” she whispered. “I like to imagine what we could do downstairs.”</p>
<p>“You do that a lot?”</p>
<p>“What? Think about becoming an interior designer? You would be good at it,” he replied.</p>
<p>His bare feet padded softly to their bed where he lounged on the other side of her. He propped up his head. Scully smiled sleepily and caressed his cheek. “It’s a silly dream.”</p>
<p>“Well, we have a house...a home.”</p>
<p>“Doesn’t feel like it, does it?” </p>
<p>The storm outside grew with not intensity. A clap of thunder made Scully jump and he calmed her by putting his hand on her knee. “A bit jumpy?”</p>
<p>She smiled tightly and shook her head. “Just a little caught off guard.” Mulder took the magazine and turned it towards him. “I like the green in that picture. Maybe we could paint the kitchen that color.”</p>
<p>“No, no, no...sea foam green. We could do that bathroom, the one downstairs.” She turned a page as her hair fell forward. Mulder smiled and pushed it away so he could see her face. “It’s good to see you smile.”</p>
<p>“It’s a surreal feeling,” she confessed softly. “I keep expecting someone to burst through the door or the FBI to take you away again. Or something else. It’s weird…”</p>
<p>“Not being on the run?”</p>
<p>She shrugged. “I would still do it again you know? Anything for you.”</p>
<p>The past two years had been difficult for the both of them. The wounds between them festered: William, broken trust, fears of the future, and fears of the present. They seemed lost in the ghosts of the past. “I know, Mulder. I know.”</p>
<p>“I like this.” He pointed on a picture of a room full of old oak furniture that made it feel warm and welcome. “Reminds me of your place in Georgetown.”</p>
<p>“Strange. It reminds me of yours.” She dog-eared the page and set it aside. “So what do we do?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“Where does this leave us? I can’t pretend all this tension between us means nothing. You have nightmares every night. I don’t sleep much either.”</p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p>In the muggy room, they sat in silence, carefully watching each other in the candlelight. “I am trying to get used to this, Mulder.”</p>
<p>He nodded and thought for a moment. “Do you remember that night when God spoke to you?”</p>
<p>She held up a finger and whispered, “I didn’t say necessarily that God spoke to me. I said I had a vision.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” he chuckled. “But all the roads, all the choices lead to this one moment. Isn't that what you said?”</p>
<p>“Using my old words against me.”</p>
<p>“Would you have it any other way?”</p>
<p>“I regret nothing,” she said. “I’ve told you that.”</p>
<p>He smiled sadly. “I know, I know.” He grabbed the magazine that she had been reading and flipped it back open. “I mean, what we can always pick out china patterns.”</p>
<p>She chuckled slightly and put away the magazine. “Would it really matter?”</p>
<p>He frowned. “What is wrong?”</p>
<p>“Do you feel like we’re just playing house? Like roles in a play?” She leaned back, shifting slightly to adjust to the oak headboard. “And I’m not talking about what we did in Arcadia. That wasn’t playing house.”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>She focused on her hands and tried to imagine a wedding ring on it but couldn’t. She tried to imagine a future where her, Mulder, and William were one big happy family but failed. She tried to think of the future now in this little unremarkable, run-down farmhouse they had bought but came up with nothing. “Like we’re just going through the motions. We haven’t really been honest and open with each other in a while.”</p>
<p>“I think we’ve been relatively open with our relationship.” He frowned. “I am a bit confused here, Scully.”</p>
<p>“How do you define relatively open, Mulder? Why won’t you tell me about your nightmares?” She finally asked. “Why do you keep everything so secret?”</p>
<p>“How come you keep your emotions so close to your chest?” He countered. She looked down at the blue blanket covering her knees. “I’ve never met a poker player who bluffed better.”</p>
<p>She took a deep breath and sighed. She rolled her head backward, stretching her neck muscles that suddenly seemed tighter.”Well said,” she whispered.</p>
<p>“Scully, I’m not trying to purposely hurt you with my words just like I know you aren’t trying to with your little...thing.” He waved his hand uselessly. “So where does that leave us, Scully?”</p>
<p>“Up the creek without a paddle?” She smirked at her own joke. “I don’t know, Mulder. I don’t know where this leaves us.”</p>
<p>“How about the future to start?”</p>
<p>Mulder watched her sad face in the candlelight as he leaned forward to kiss her. She breathed softly as his first kiss was gentle before he deepened it. He cupped her cheek and their tongues dueled. She broke away and whispered, “Mulder, how is this different from everything else?”</p>
<p>He blinked back in confusion. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>She was frustrated with the whole thing. “What I mean is we’ve fallen into this pattern of hurt, sex, and it acts as a band-aid. But we really don’t solve the problem?”</p>
<p>“And what’s the problem, Scully?” He was afraid to know. “Me?”</p>
<p>She shook her head and confessed. “I don’t know. We both hurt, Mulder,” she began, watching his face, “we both carry wounds that haven’t healed. We both have done things we’ve regret. It is like we’re both a glutton for punishment. We fight, have sex, and we’re okay for a bit before we fall into that dangerous pattern again.”</p>
<p>“Dangerous pattern.”</p>
<p>“We both have so much emotional baggage,” she continued. “So much pain.”</p>
<p>“I think we deserve a bit of a break, don’t you?”</p>
<p>The room was becoming insufferable with the muggy air. The storm outside had lessened to a slight drizzle and thunder could have been heard in the difference. She looked out the window at the fading thunder but despite it, the lightning remained. “The rain is coming from the east from the sound of it. If you open up the window that faces north, I think we could get some air in here and not worry about the weather.”</p>
<p>“I got it.”</p>
<p>He opened the window halfway, checked the screen to make sure it was still there, and the cool air rushed in. Scully watched the candles flicker with the rush of air. “That’s better,” she whispered. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“Of course.” He sat on the edge of their bed and watched her.. “What do you wish for, Scully?”</p>
<p>“A do-over,” she told him. “If I could change one thing, I wouldn’t have made you go away. All of this is my fault really if you think about it.”</p>
<p>“Then stop thinking that,” he told her. “You want to know what my nightmares are about? I’m not good for you, I fail you, I break your heart...I do everything and ruin your life.”</p>
<p>“But, Mulder, you didn’t.”</p>
<p>“What are we to do?” He laughed hollowly. “We both are a mess, huh?”</p>
<p>She nodded and moved closer to him. She rested her head against his bare back, listening to his heart. She wrapped her arms around his waist and felt her take his hands. “But I belong with no one else but you.”</p>
<p>He whispered,  “Aw, Scully, you’re killing me.”</p>
<p>“I do love you, Mulder. Don’t ever doubt that.”</p>
<p>“I don’t,” he whispered. He twisted his head slightly so he could see her face. He nuzzled her softly, almost teasing her. “Scully, I know things haven’t been easy for us.”</p>
<p>“See,” she whispered, “we’re falling into our old habits.”</p>
<p>“'This is what got us through for the past few years. Even then, just being with you was enough for me.” He rested his hand on top of hers. “This is just another brick in the road.”</p>
<p>“Don’t you mean brick in the wall? Pink Floyd?”</p>
<p>He closed his eyes, smiling, and shook his head. “I love you, Scully, and that won’t ever change.”</p>
<p>“Hmmm,” she hummed, kissing his shoulder. “The storm is easing up.”</p>
<p>“I’ll open up the other windows.”</p>
<p>“In a bit.” She relaxed against him. “We might want to think about a generator.”</p>
<p>“I don’t mind the candlelight,” he teased. He nipped at her nose. “You look beautiful in it.”</p>
<p>“As much as I love your compliments,” she whispered, “I do value running water. Remember, we have a septic and pump now. If we lose power, we lose running water too.”</p>
<p>“I’ll look at it first thing in the morning,” he murmured. “But we have that rain barrel should we need it.”</p>
<p>“Full of tadpoles,” she continued, “and many tree frogs.”</p>
<p>“I’ll build you a new one.”</p>
<p>He nipped at her nose and she smiled, claiming her lips. Scully’s kiss was soft and gentle reminding Mulder of the soft rain he could hear outside. Her arms tightened around him, her hands expanded up and down his chest. He hummed in approval and tries to turn to face her. She stopped him and whispered. “Not yet.”</p>
<p>He stilled but didn’t let their lips break contact. The way she moved around him reminded Mulder of her examining him and claiming him. He could feel himself responding to her caresses. In the back of his mind, he suddenly began to feel insecure. He had always been comfortable and confident in his own body; he had brought the same out in Scully as their physical relationship evolved. But her words of them just physically using each other like an addiction rang like a bell. “Scully,” he whispered. “Stop for a moment.”</p>
<p>“What?” She looked surprised. Her icy blue eyes iced over with anticipation, gazing at him and making him shiver. “What’s wrong, Mulder.”</p>
<p>“We’re not doing this thing that you were talking about, right? Falling into that same pattern?”</p>
<p>He felt her take a deep breath and sigh. She held up her right hand and held out her pinky.  He formed a small pinky promise by interlocking his pinky finger with hers. “I, Dana Katherine Scully, hereby promise my other half, Fox William Mulder, that I love him more than anything and that I would never use him like that. I do it because I love you, Mulder.”</p>
<p>“You promise, Scully? That’s the closest you’ve come to wedding vows.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, give me some credit.”</p>
<p>“Moments like this,” he whispered, brushing by her hair, “I wish I could freeze. You are so beautiful, so perfect.”</p>
<p>“You’re a love-struck fool.”</p>
<p>“Only when it comes to you.”</p>
<p>He laughed again and captured her lips. The task of opening the other windows became forgotten as Scully became more insistent. She was pushing him onto their bed, already moving to straddle her hips, and he was already responding to her. “It feels weird here,” she whispered, taking off her shirt. He sucked in his breath at the gorgeous view of her bare skin in front of him. “We aren’t having to run, we’re safe, and we finally have a home together, Mulder.”</p>
<p>“Scully, all you’re dirty talk,” he teased, “keep it up.”</p>
<p>She leaned forward, skin on skin, and he melted. “Shopping for furniture, picking out paint and china patterns, grocery shopping, meal planning.”</p>
<p>His hand cupped the back of her head so she couldn’t pull away as he kissed her so hard, her toes curled. For both of them, they become lost in the sea together. She teased him and led them in their dance. Their rhythm came together as easy as breathing. Both hearts raced together. Mulder held her tightly as she came first, crying his name. He worked harder until they were both falling together of the top of the wave, crying out, and still holding each other tightly as they came down from their high.</p>
<p>She was laughing as she rolled to the side, bringing his arm with her. “Mulder, do you remember that night in Bellefleur when I came to you saying I was cold? And you said somewhere, it just has to stop. You and me. This is something that I pictured.”</p>
<p>“This?” He asked. He brought a hand to her cheek and caressed. “With the all bad?”</p>
<p>“With all the bad, there is good too,” Scully reminded him. “I told you I would do it all over again, with you, in a heartbeat.”</p>
<p>He nodded and brought her close again. “I’ll get the candles in a second. And the windows. What do you say to christen the rest of the house tomorrow?”</p>
<p>“After we go to Lowe’s to pick out paint colors for our bathroom. And breakfast.” She brought the sheet around them. “I don’t care what the future brings. We’ll face it together.”</p>
<p>“While picking out china patterns?”</p>
<p>“I’d settle for a paint scheme first,” she murmured. She watched him in the candlelight. “We did it, Mulder.”</p>
<p>“Not in the way we thought of it, but yes, we did it.”</p>
<p>“Good enough for me.”</p>
<p>She curled up next to him and Mulder held her as they listened to the fading storm outside.</p>
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